Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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