I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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