guys are only as good as the porn they watch
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch