Texts From Last Night

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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
  Replies (47) Good night (5078) Bad night (965)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.

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  (313): Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater. http://tfl.nu/ei9l
  Replies (25) Good night (5153) Bad night (730)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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  (605): Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?! http://tfl.nu/u19h
  Replies (13) Good night (4218) Bad night (569)
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  (716): View more from New York

  i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis

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  (716): i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis http://tfl.nu/uywx
  Replies (19) Good night (4508) Bad night (548)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.

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  (303): Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming. http://tfl.nu/sem8
  Replies (41) Good night (787) Bad night (4482)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life

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  (856): We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life http://tfl.nu/wuon
  Replies (12) Good night (3695) Bad night (545)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition

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  (352): im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition http://tfl.nu/5ifl
  Replies (18) Good night (930) Bad night (5168)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head

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  (817): but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head http://tfl.nu/vzhl
  Replies (5) Good night (768) Bad night (2466)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.

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  (519): It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well. http://tfl.nu/djcp
  Replies (14) Good night (1231) Bad night (3195)
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  (909): View more from California

  Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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  (909): Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out. http://tfl.nu/vj9i
  Replies (10) Good night (1987) Bad night (757)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  We're knee deep in HJ's right now.

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  (217): We're knee deep in HJ's right now. http://tfl.nu/uucd
  Replies (10) Good night (1231) Bad night (521)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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  (952): it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table http://tfl.nu/sh7s
  Replies (5) Good night (1835) Bad night (605)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive

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  (306): some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive http://tfl.nu/omm3
  Replies (5) Good night (547) Bad night (186)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Damn, well, it could always be worse

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad

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  (423): Damn, well, it could always be worse (1-423): For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad http://tfl.nu/5yq7
  Replies (0) Good night (337) Bad night (214)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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  (613): We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends http://tfl.nu/r2xw
  Replies (0) Good night (578) Bad night (175)

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