I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.