it wasn't lemon gatorade
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
