my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
