He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
