The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
