Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
