oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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