Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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