After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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