looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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