a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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