I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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