you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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