I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
