I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
