in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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