i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
