I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
