She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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