Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
