I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize
