I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
