well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
