Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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