I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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