So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
