um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
