I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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