I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
whose parrot is this?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
