We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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