K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
