I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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