dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
