I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
