I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
and you fell through a lawn chair
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
