Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
