dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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