I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like eating out sand paper
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
