I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
