I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Can I color on your dick again?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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