Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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