the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
