Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
