I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
