I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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