If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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