Do you still have your period?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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