the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
