If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
