i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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