What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
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