my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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