I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
