I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
