Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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